Friends ♥

Lately I have been a little frustrated with friends in general. I have felt like I was putting effort into some of my relationships but they weren’t so it felt one-sided. I don’t know that I necessarily prayed about God working in that, but He certainly heard my heart!

This past weekend, so many of my friends reached out to me letting me know that they were praying for me and I cannot even tell you how much that means to me! The fact that they remembered I needed prayer and were thinking of me touched my heart! I love the people God has surrounded me with. I love these prayer warriors around me that I know will lift me up to the Lord anytime and will be there to listen, encourage, and point me back to the Lord. So, thank you, friends, for being here for me, and thank you, Jesus, for providing these marvelous people in my life! I am beyond blessed!

A Worthy Death

When I was in an 8th grade social studies class one day, my teacher asked all of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. While other students proudly said they wanted to be firefighters and doctors, I boldly told the class, "I want to be a martyr." 

My teacher was almost dumbfounded and my classmates had no clue what I was saying. I explained that when I grew up, I wanted to die for Christ. Interesting that as an 8th grader, a 3 year old believer in Christ, I knew exactly how I wanted to go. My sisters had been reading Jesus Freaks by DC Talk and I couldn't think of a better way to meet the Lord.

I just read the story of Perpetua, a woman from Carthage (Tunis, Tunisia) from the late 100s AD who gave her life for Christ. Her father begged her to renounce Christ to save her life-even holding up her infant child before her trial to motivate her. But instead of being a dutiful daughter or choosing her child, she chose Christ. 

Perpetua spent some time in prison with her servant and friend, Felicity (who was 8 months pregnant at the time & gave birth days before her execution) along with other believers. In the darkness of the prison, they shone the light of Christ! God even gave her dreams to encourage her in what was to come!

Putting teeth to Luke 14 and Matthew 10, Perpetua and Felicity, along with their friends (including Perpetua's husband), were mauled by wild animals in front of a blood thirsty crowd and their throats were slit, releasing their spirits with great dignity and joy!

To be honest, the idea of being murdered for Christ is terrifying to me now. I cannot imagine the fear that would course through my body as the executioner moved closer. But I am also encouraged by Perpetua and Felicity. Perpetua didn't even realize that she had been attacked by an animal afterwards: Jesus had taken the brunt of it for her! I don't know if I will be martyred, but I do know that I would find unexplainable peace and joy in knowing that my life was given for Christ as a witness that others would follow Him! Not to mention the fact that I would be only moments away from being with my Lord and Savior! I would love to be in the rapture or to die peacefully in my sleep, but dying for Christ would definitely be the best way to go!

A Purposeful Prayer..

Lord, what would you make of this soul other than what you designed it be? Crashes of symbols, twiddlings of flutes, rich notes pulled from the strings of violins, rhythmic cadences of drums, tinkering piano keys…all a mess but a symphony no less and You the Great Composer of this piece…entitled “Beloved.”  You command me to move with a graceful flick of Your baton and I play myself for You.  May this song rise up to You and please You.  That I could delight my Creator, I would fulfill my purpose ♥

I Dare You To Move

Sometimes I think I am hearing from God but my own thoughts and feelings are getting in the way. And other times I am really hearing from the Lord. A good friend of mine and I made a decision that I was at peace with because I felt certain that God was giving me a clear answer. But today I felt really burdened by the emotions of the thought that I could be making a mistake. I finally got to talk to my friend Ari about it and all my emotions boiled down to one thing: fear. I am always afraid to say or do anything without being certain it is what God wants me to do because I don't want to mess anything up. And I realized that I am exhausted from being scared to move. I remember when I was trying to choose a college, I didn't feel God was giving me a clear answer either way. My mentor told me to trust in myself as a mature Christian that I wasn't going to do something completely idiotic. And she said that sometimes God doesn't care which option you pick. Sometimes God wants you to just make a decision, take a step in faith, and He'll bless you where you are. My talk with Ari encouraged me in that. She reminded me that I can't mess anything up-that God is sovereign over all of my decisions. 

On my way home, I unexpectedly ran into a friend, Jonah. He told me that he was accepted to Dallas Theological Seminary and talked about his plans to eventually teach overseas with his wife. I asked if he and his wife specifically prayed about what God wanted them to do or if it was just based off of their interests and talents. He said that he knew very early on that he wanted to teach and knew if God closed the door, he wouldn't do it, but as of right now, he's using the talents God has given him to serve the Lord. It's about your intention in using your gifts or passions. Both talks were incredibly encouraging!

I don't know if anyone is reading this, but first of all, I am thankful God has blessed me with my friends. It was an emotional day for me and usually I am a happy person. But thankfully I had friends throughout the day who were cheering me up. Nate gave me a free latte-Ari prayed withe me-Jonah encouraged me-Dan Rounds, Joel, Aaron, Ben, Sam, and Julia played ultimate frisbee with me. The day ended great because of my friends.
Second of all, if you think of it, say a prayer for me to continue to seek the Lord, but to also not be afraid to move; that I would know in my heart that I can't mess up the Lord's plans and that if I am seeking after Him, He will bless me. I don't know if I was really hearing God or what will happen in the end yet, but I'm going to keep my eyes on God! I hope this was encouraging--Its going to have to work as a reminder to myself. Love you guys--trust in the Lord <3

Dad...

I have come to the conclusion that You're the only one who is going to get me through this.

If it were up to me, things wouldn't turn out so great.

I'm tired of the conflict in my family.

I'm tired of the conflict with friends.

I'm ready to go home. 

All I can do is look to You for strength and wisdom.

So please calm my heart and mind--take over and glorify Yourself in this.

You are good. 

You are good.

You are good.

So please calm my heart and mind--take over and glorify Yourself in this.

All I can do is look to You for strength and wisdom.

I'm ready to go home.

I'm tired of the conflict with friends.

I'm tired of the conflict in my family.

If it were up to me, things wouldn't turn out so great.

I have come to the conclusion that You're the only one who is going to get me through this.

I love you, Father. Proverbs 3:5-6. Psalm 18:1-2. Psalm 37. Amen <3

Growing Up

Wow this semester has been innnnnsAaaaAaane! Between classes every day, volunteering, mentoring, working 3 part time jobs, homework, and trying to have a social life, life has been a little jam packed.  Downside? I found out a few weeks ago that it made it easy for me to have a meltdown like a 4 year old when I didn't get enough sleep. Upside? SO many blessings! It has been so awesome to see God provide these jobs for me and a wonderful group of friends and professors who care about me & encourage me in Christ! Also, I have a pretty consistent schedule which helps me stay on top of things (a blessing for a planner like me).

It has also been a period of emotional growth. I am learning more about myself and God and those around me through conflicts. Although it hasn't been fun all the time, the growing opportunities have been blessings from the Lord. I foolishly thought for about a day last semester that I had everything pretty figured out and I didn't have anything to work on for the moment. Like I said, that lasted about a day. Then God humbled me and showed me I had a LOT to learn. The lessons continue and I doubt they are over for the semester, but I am taking them in stride with deep breaths and lots of prayer.  Overall, this semester has been stretching me more than I thought. "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11 Thank you for growing me, Lord! So if you think of it, send up a prayer for me--my biggest prayer this semester has been that I would be a blessing to others. :)

Beauty From Ashes

This plane we've been on-our relationship-has been flying through turbulence for a year. Secrets here-fights there-sin in between. I thought I wanted to be on this plane forever because I loved you. Our plane was going to take us places: down the aisle, to far off countries, to parenthood. You were it for me and no one else could possibly measure up. The Captain kept coming on the intercom telling us to buckle up, put on the oxygen masks, get ready to bail out. But we didn't listen! We continued to look at each other and to our future, only listening to the Captain when the turbulence got really bad. But the Captain decided to take the plane down. This course we were on was not what He had intended and it was time to switch planes. I listened before the crash-I knew what was coming. I had peace. I held onto you as long as I could. And then we crashed. My whole world was crumbling around me and I was mad that our Captain had ended the flight so abruptly. And then I had peace with the Captain and was just mad at you for things you did and did not do.
But as I stood among the ashes and my anger, the Captain told me to forgive you. I was holding on to something that did not matter anymore. The flight was over and He was bringing me somewhere else. So I asked Him to help me let it go...and as time passed, He soothed my wounds. He promised me that things would be ok-that He had good in store for me. I need only trust in Him!
A year has since passed since that day we crash landed. And out of those ashes, beauty has risen. ~Isaiah 61:3~ I asked God to give you back to me so many times. But exactly a year after, I am so thankful that we chose to be obedient to Him and I am so thankful that He won't give you back! Because He has someone amazing in store for me-and He has someone wonderful in store for you. These new planes we are on are going to take us places: down the aisle, to far off countries, to parenthood, to ministry. God has set a new standard for me and only my future husband will measure up! Right now, the only people on my plane are me and God-He is my seatbelt, my oxygen mask, my source of strength and peace. I continue to look to Him for my future because He is my future.
I pray He is growing you into a strong man of God and I pray you will remain obedient to Him. Thank you for all of the good we had. And I thank Him for all of the good that has come from being obedient that day.

Lord, you are good when there is nothing good in me. You are faithful when I cheat on you with the idols I build up in my life. You are loving when I don't feel lovable. You bring good to those who love you-and I love you so very much. Amen.

Be Lifted High

You spoke light and saw that it was good.
You created land and sea and saw that it was good.
You made creatures in the sea and air and land and saw that it was good.
You created me...and saw that I was good.

But I am inadequate-I do not measure up.
How many times have I spit in your face to deliberately sin?
How many times have I turned my back for temporal pleasures of this world?
We say we "struggle" with sin, but how is it a struggle if I didn't even resist?
We say we "wrestled" with sexual sin, pride, idolatry, but it was more of a dance and I swayed along to the ever-changing emotions of my heart.

Yet here you are. Ready to cut in and lead-ready to see me as good once again.
So speak light into the darkness. Breathe life into my lungs. Fill my soul as deep as the ocean-I'm reaching for your love.
For your name is holy above all names-your ways are higher than my own.
And I love you...because you first loved me.

The Lord is Good!

I imagined that this Christmas break would be a nice vacation-some time to breathe and spend some much needed time with my family. And all of those things are true. I was able to spend so much time with my family and got some lazy days-I even got to lay outside to soak up the warmth of the sun!

Over the past few days and weeks, God has been reminding me what else He has been blessing me with-some uhmazing people! I am so thankful for Christian women in my life like Ari, Phylicia, Mae, Karyn, Kristen, and Brittany here at home--not to mention all of my sweet Christian girlfriends back at school. And I am so thankful for my christian guy friends and my sweet friends from all the way back in high school like Tiffany and Bri. 

I am so thankful that when I ask for God to provide money, He provides more than I thought He would. I am so thankful that He provides patient people that are more than willing to help me out. I am so thankful He provides me with jobs. I am so thankful that He is sovereign over every aspect of my life! 

Lord you are so good and all I have is praises for you! I can't wait to see what you have in store for me :)

A Lesson From My Father

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

I read this passage coming off of an emotional night. As I sat in the bathroom crying with my Mom and sisters, we talked about how far we had come in the past year in our own relationships.  I remembered how God used me in my family by introducing Gideon to me.  He was the least of his family and God told him to lead them. When he said, “Who am I to do this? I am the least of my family!” God responded by saying, “I will be with you.” I remember thinking that it was so cool that God’s response had absolutely nothing to do with Gideon and everything to do with the Lord.  I was the least in my family, but I felt He was calling me to make a change that would cause a ripple effect in my family.  Although that year was easily one of the hardest years of my life, it was such a blessing from the Lord.  He used my situation to lead us to attend counseling with a wonderful Christian counselor and God not only mended our relationships—no.  A mere needle-and-thread patchwork wouldn’t cut it—He deeply healed our relationships and made them healthier than before! Praise to my King! As I sat thinking about all of this tonight, I realized that God had that all planned out before I was even born. To think that God has our pain planned out for the glory of His holy name is overwhelming.  It’s difficult to grasp and sometimes frustrating and eventually honoring to think He would choose someone so insignificant to bring honor to Himself.

Tonight was a challenging night for me.  Part of our family is in shambles and there is literally nothing I can do to fix it other than to submit it to God and trust in Him.  I spoke out of anger tonight because my feelings were incredibly hurt and as I read this passage from Psalm 139, it reminds me that God knit me together and knows my feelings intimately and that this day was planned long ago.  I even prayed tonight before our family meeting that God would help me to be slow to anger and slow to speech but quick to listen.  I did fine during the meeting but when Auntie hurt my feelings, I stormed into the bathroom full of anger and said hurtful things about her.  I wasn’t slow to anger or slow to speech in that moment.  But God had this planned long ago.  I may not see the end result tonight or tomorrow-I may not see it come to fruition for years.  But this I do know: The Lord is in control and He has been from the very beginning.  And I know that He will be with me.  So in the meantime, I asked Him to forgive me for the ways I sinned and asked Him to help me freely and graciously extend forgiveness to my Aunt because He so freely gave such a precious gift of forgiveness to me and I was far from deserving of it.  My hurt feelings tonight are nothing compared to what I have done to my Savior.

“Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you” Psalm 143:8.  These wise words from King David ring true for me today.  I give myself to you, my Lord, and I have nothing else to offer but my insignificant little life.  But I ask that you show me where to walk that I might live righteously and treat others the way you have treated me-with great love. I give myself to you because I am your workmanship that you formed in the intimate, utter seclusion of my mother’s womb.  You know me inside and out, better than anyone could ever know me.  You know my heart and my hurts-my dreams and my fears-what makes me laugh and what makes me cry-every hair on my head, every tear that has fallen, every mistake, every goal achieved, every joy.  You are my joy, my Father, because you are everything to me.  I will praise you all the days of my life because you designed each day for me and you are worthy of praise.  I love you!

“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered!  I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!” 139:17-18

“Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me along with you counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  I desire you more than anything on earth.  My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.” 73:23-26

“The Lord is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.  The Lord is good to everyone.” 145:8-9