Once again, I come before my Father completely humbled and even more in love than before. I have been reminded of the satisfying sweetness in knowing that He desires a relationship with me. And it has brought a flood of tears to my eyes simply because I didn't even want a relationship with me. How could He love me when I didn't love myself? In the past week, I had begun to hate myself. I literally could not find one thing that I liked-not one redeeming quality to give me a glimmer of hope for myself. I compared myself to others and found that I didn't-and couldn't-measure up. And it became so overwhelming to think of all the work I needed to do to fix me that I shut down and wanted to give up. This has been a challenging year and even though I thought before that I had grown to someone so much better, now I could not find one positive thing. Where was the growth? How was I better? I have never wanted to escape my life-literally crawl out of my body and be somebody else-more than I have this past year. You see, it is one thing to not like the lack of definition between your calves and ankles or the random eyebrow hair that just keeps growing back. But to really truly not like yourself-to helplessly look at other people wishing you could be them-wishing that God would grant you this one mercy and let you start over in that other person's lawn that looks so much greener-that is something entirely different. It's drowning. It's hopeless. It's faithless.
I attended the Women's Regenerate Conference tonight and I remember looking at women as they walked by me thinking "They have everything together. They look happy-I bet they don't hate themselves. And they're beautiful. I want to be them." I knew Satan was attacking-and it was working. I couldn't hold the tears in as Natalie Grant (an amazing woman of God) sang song after song that spoke directly to my broken heart. And as the tears flowed, Satan's lies were replaced with something so much greater-the Truth. Satan told me I was a failure that would never measure up. But God replaced that with love: "Wonderful, beautiful is what You see when You look at me." Satan said I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, funny enough, caring enough-not a good Auntie, not a good sister, not a good daughter, not a good friend, not a good Christian. But God says "There's no such thing as perfect people-there's no such thing as a perfect life. So come as you are, broken and scarred. Lift up your heart and be amazed and be changed by a perfect God." I know I am not perfect-and I can be changed. But only by the One and Only perfect God. I am not everything I want to be yet because God is still working on me. He's still molding me with His gentle nail-scarred hands. But even right now in this moment, God sees me as wonderful and beautiful.
I want to be so many things-but right now I will start with being more positive. I want to be smiling and happy all the time. God has allowed me to experience a lot of hard things, but I still have a reason to worship. "All of my life-in every season-You are still God! I have a reason to sing-I have a reason to worship!" God keeps reminding me that this is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was not that I would miraculously become perfect-but that when everything falls, we'd be held. And let me tell you, He doesn't just hold You in His hand. He gives you one of those big bear, comforting daddy hugs-the kind where He doesn't let go. Yesterday happened and I can't do anything about it. And I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. But I have this moment-and in this moment, I will stand firm in Christ and know without a doubt that God loves me and thinks I am wonderful! In this moment, I will praise the Most High King for I have a reason to worship!
"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." -The Help. You is beautiful. You is wonderful. You is loved. -God (with a little country accent) ;) Father, I love You. What more can I say? Your love is more than I ever could have asked for. Thank You for loving me and holding me and mending this heart of mine back together again. I am so ready for You to keep molding me into a beautiful image of You. I love you Father! Amen
