Scotty P

   One thing you have to know about me and Scott is that, honestly, I couldn't stand him for a very long time. I wanted nothing to do with him and I hated that he was worming his way into our family.  I wanted my mom and Scott to break up-I never wanted him at my wedding-never around my kids-definitely didn't want to live with him.  I have journal entries written by a very angry, resentful me wishing that my life was normal and Scott was not part of it.  It took a couple of years for me to like Scott and I put him through it.  But that is how I knew I could trust him.  He chose to love my mom through it-to even love me through it, even when I didn't love him.  He was so patient while I made him pay for other people's mistakes.
   Scott asked me and my sisters in March 2007 for our blessing to ask my mom to marry him.  He brought us each a rose in a red vase, which I used to hide my face from him.  I knew if I looked at him, I'd smile or laugh because I was uncomfortable with the discussion we were having and I was so mad.  I was days away from my 16th birthday and I felt like he had just ruined it.
When my mom and Scott finally got engaged in 2008, I was happy for them but I also cried for a long time that night. I felt like I was losing my mom and all I wanted was time with her. I think she asked me to be her maid of honor to make me stop crying ;) I really still wasn't very thrilled that they were getting married.  I think it was a few weeks before their wedding that the three of us were driving together and I told them that, for what it was worth, I gave them my blessing to get married.  It made them laugh, but my mom told me later that it meant so much to Scott.
   On June 7, 2008, I stood next to my mom while she and Scott promised to love each other forever.  It was a beautiful ceremony-Scott's shoe broke open (I don't know how-everyone remember that?) :] and we had a fun reception.  I danced with my mom at the reception, still crying that I was losing her.  But I also danced with Scott and I remember thanking him for loving my mom.  I was so happy she finally found the right man-one who would love her and treat her like a daughter of the Most High King.
   It wasn't all sunshine and roses from there-Scott and I got on each other's nerves a lot about dumb stuff.  I struggled (and failed) to be a good big sister to Carly.  But there was a lot of good stuff too--Scott's cooking (delish!), watching tv with him and eating frozen grapes, his lack of a filter ;) , the way he loved our family-especially mom.  I will never forget one day coming home from school and I was so hurt and upset by something that had happened-I sat at the kitchen counter crying and Scott just came behind me, wrapped his big strong arms around me and held me while I cried.
   He always prayed with me when I needed it-prayed over my room when I was scared, probably prayed for me to like him more ;) A few weeks before he died, I was crying about mean things people at school were saying about me and he and my mom sat and talked with me about it for a long time and then just layed with me in bed while I cried.  I wish I had more sweet moments like that with him.
   On October 25, Scott was in an off mood.  He didn't go to church with us and I figured I should stay out of his way.  I wish I hadn't.  I have struggled with guilt over being the last to see him-a moment I wish I could take back and redo.  I wish I had run over to him and told him for the first time that I loved him.  Would that have changed anything?  Struggling against a force dark and strong, Scott decided that day to take his own life, believing that we would be better off without him.  What a lie he was told.  That day, my whole world was flipped inside out.  I kept praying over and over that God would just bring him back-he did it for Lazarus, couldn't He do it for Scott?  I tried to be strong for my family-grabbing them by the hand and praying for them.  I stayed up that night with my mom, holding her while she cried the most heart-wrenching cry I have ever heard.
   A few days after it happened, I had a dream about him.  We picked him up from the airport-he had only been on a business trip and he had no idea why we were so excited to see him. I woke up so excited because I thought Scott would be downstairs and I could go see him-and then reality set in and I layed down in bed and cried.  On the Wednesday morning following his death, I woke up before the sun rose and I sat outside in the cold October air and watched the sun come up with him and God.  It was so peaceful-and a sweet reminder that God was still with us-He is ever faithful as surely as the sun will rise and that everything would eventually be ok.
   I have had close to 10 dreams about Scott since he died and for the first 3 or 4, he never acknowledged I was there.  Finally, I had a dream that he came home when my mom and I were home alone.  He finally acknowledged me and knew why he had been gone.  He said God gave him a few hours to come back to be with us.

   Today is one year since Scott went home to be with Jesus-one year he has been in the presence of our sweet Savior-one year that we have rejoiced for him and mourned for our deep loss.  I want today to be about remembering good times with Scott-the wonderful blessing he was to our family and the passion he had for Jesus.  I want God to be glorified through our pain and through Scott's life-Out of the ashes, beauty will rise.  A sweet friend of mine sent me this prayer today: 'God, I thank you for Scott’s life. I thank you for the good memories with him. I thank you for the laughter felt. I praise you for your everlasting, never ending, and flawless love you give us.'  Our family is so homesick, but we hold tight to the fact that God's love is perfect and that one day, we will see Scott again in Heaven.  Glory to God!
Remember to tell your family that you love them-you never know what those words could mean.  Scotty P, I'm sorry I never told you-I love you so so much.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1435796814394&ref=nf
(Video of Scott)