This past year has been..intense, to say the least. There were moments when I felt that I couldn't go any further without having an emotional breakdown and admittedly, I was angry when I heard God tell me to keep giving more. I thought He was going to push me to the very edge of myself to make any of this work out and the thought of being even more vulnerable was exhausting and frustrating. It had been a year of feeling completely hated by my family. I was convinced they were going to have nothing to do with me and I prepared myself for not having them in my life anymore. I was head over heels in love with someone they didn't want me to be with, and although falling in love was incredible and left wonderful memories, the emotional toll of my family's disapproval and fading relationships was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced.
This blog couldn't possibly begin to recount the details, the emotions, the arguments, the hurts that took place over the past year. But if anyone knows me, they know my family means everything to me and I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it was and hopefully you can appreciate on some level what God has done for us. My relationship with my sister was almost nonexistant. The gulf between us grew wider as the hurt grew deeper. My relationship with my oldest sister was surfacey and strained. The chasm quickly growing between my Mom and I was rapidly filling with hurt, misunderstanding, and a lack of respect. Details I had once shared with them became personal because I didn't trust them and felt they hated me anyway. There were countless fights, countless tears...I wouldn't want to relive it. My boyfriend and I tried our best to do the right thing by our families and by each other. We were constantly praying and I was constantly trying to improve my communication with my family. With all our good intention, however, our desire to be together overruled God's direction to let go. I couldn't make heads or tails of where "Not Now" was coming from-God, me, my family's opinion? So although he and I took a couple of breaks from the relationship in an effort to heal the family, we would come back together because we were in love and wanted to be happy.
During our year long relationship, I was meeting with my mentor from church, going to counseling, listening to decision-making sermons, studying the Bible, and praying like a mad woman in an effort to heal my family and stay with the man I loved. My goodness, did God teach me a lot! He taught me about communication, boundaries, trust in Him, love..the list could go on. But with all of my efforts, I couldn't be the one to fix things. God blessed our obedience when my boyfriend and I decided to break up. We had both heard God tell us not now and felt that we really needed to be obedient this time. Instantly, God was working on relationships in my family. My mom and sisters have been to counseling with me and by themselves. We've all learned about godly conflict resolution and were able to open up to each other about things previously unspoken. I thought I had so much work to do to fix my family, but all I had to say was, "Yes, Lord" and He did the rest. I have seen the faith in my family grow ten times bigger than it was before. I have watched God bridge the gaps in my relationships with Himself. He has truly become the center of our family-We turn to Him more than before and His words are written on our hearts. We speak out of love to one another and handle our differences the way He asked us to (Matthew 18:15-17, James 1:19, Colossians 3:13).
Sometimes I still sit amazed that God has done all of this for us. When I hang out with my sisters and my Mom and feel the love we have for each other, I smile and thank God for His healing. Isn't He wonderful? He merely asks us to trust in Him and He will do the unthinkable! A year ago, I would have told you it was impossible for our family to ever be ok. Look what He has done! I am still asking God to continue healing throughout the rest of our family and I know He will do it. He is a good God! Ask Him for the impossible. Ask Him to show up and show off! Without Him, my family wouldn't be healing. They wouldn't be excited for me to leave for school-which is another completely cool God story! We wouldn't be anywhere without Him.
Lord God, all I have is praises for you. There is nothing I could say or do that could repay you for the kindness you have shown me, the forgiveness you have graciously given me, the love you have lavished upon your beloved. I will glorify your name forever, Lord, because you ALONE are healer. You alone are big enough to do the impossible. How great is our God?! I will follow you all of my days. I will learn to walk with you and follow your commands; to trust wholeheartedly in your words and provision; I am a woman after your heart! Lord God, I ask that you would continue to heal and that you would use my story to help others trust in you for healing. You alone can be praised for what has happened and "as for me and my house, we serve the Lord!" (Joshua 24:15). You are good when there is nothing good in us. We love you so much, Father! Amen!
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